Coping with the Loss of a Pet by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.

For many of us who love our pets, their death may b as painful as the death of a relative or friend. A pet may come to symbolize a child or the innocent child in us all. It may reflect the ideal mate or parent, ever faithful, patient and welcoming, loving us unconditionally. When a pet dies, we expect that our pain will be acknowledged, even if it is not shared, by our relatives, friends and colleagues. Though the bond between you and your pet is as valuable as any of your human relationships, the importance of its loss may not be appreciated by other people. The process of grieving for a pet is no different than mourning the death of a human being. The difference lies in the value that is placed on your pet, or pets in general, by y our family and by society as a whole. Realize that you do not need anyone else's approval to mourn the loss of your pet, nor must you justify your feelings to anyone. Seek validation for your pain from people who will understand you. Seek comfort of professional counselors, clergy, your veterinarian, groomer, shelter staff, close friends, family or another pet owner. This is an opportunity for emotional growth. Your life was and will continue to be brighter because of the time that you shared with your pet. This is the best testament to the value of your pet's existence.

5 Stages of Mourning

The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to the death of a valued being, human or animal. In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step. The 5 stages do not necessarily occur in order.

• Denial and Isolation: The first reaction to learning of the death of a cherished pet is to deny the reality of the situation. We block out the worst and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us though the first wave of pain.
• Anger: As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family or our deceased pet. Rationally, we know the animal is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent it for causing us pain or for leaving us.
• Bargaining: The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. If only we had sought medical attention sooner. Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone or change the inevitable.
• Depression: Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate. We worry about the cost of treatment or burial, or that we have neglected others. The second type is more subtle and perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our pet farewell.
• Acceptance: Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression. The dignity and grace shown by our dying pets may well be their last gift to us.

Explaining Pet Loss to Your Child

It is natural to want to protect our children from painful experiences. Most adults, however, are surprised to find how well most children adjust to the death of a pet if they are prepared with host, simple explanations. Adults should avoid using terms like "put to sleep" when discussing euthanasia of a family pet. A child could misinterpret this common phrase, and develop a terror of bedtime. Suggesting to a child that "God has taken" the pet might make the child become angry at the higher power for cruelty toward a pet and the child. Children are capable of understanding, each in their own way, that life must end for all living things. Support their grief by acknowledging their pain. It is an important opportunity to encourage a child to express his or her feelings.

Remember each of us mourns differently, some more privately than others, and some recover more quickly. Some pet owners find great comfort in acquiring a new pet soon after the loss of another. Others, however, become angry at the suggestion of another pet. They may feel that they are being disloyal to the memory of the preceding pet. Do not rush into selecting a replacement pet. Take time to work thought your grief.

We are never quite prepared for the death of a pet. Whether death is swift and unexpected or whether it comes at the end of a slow decline, we are never fully aware of what a pet has brought to our lives until our companion is gone.

Copyright © 1995 Blue Mountain Humane Society

Pet Loss Support Hotlines

Grieving pet owners can get additional help by calling a pet loss support hotline, it often helps to talk about your bereavement with someone who has been there and knows what you are going through. We recommend the numbers listed on the right.

On-Line Resources

We list some of the best pet loss support sites available on the Internet, however since new sites are appearing all the time we would advise you to use a search engine with the phrase "pet loss" to find additional pages.

Web Rings

If you are looking for websites where you can talk to other grieving pet owners and post your own memorial, there are some excellent sites joined to these rings...